Monday, October 17, 2005

Crystal Force (1990) total shit

It's been a little while since I posted, but last post was a video so I hope everybody watched it. You still can.

I still intend to post my review of the Exploited show. I saw the Misfits last night in Santa Ana and that was pretty fun. D.I. opened again (I reviewed the Misfits
Trilogy of Terror last Halloween in Anaheim) and this time I did not sit out their set chilling in the car with Cub. I'm glad because these guys were very charismatic and catchy. I need to get all of their old records. I only have one of the new ones.

Another band that played last night was Orange, who recently signed to Hellcat Records. Just because they are only fourteen years old does not mean that I had to be impressed, the little guys sucked big time and reminded me of that annoying Australian band The Living End. The kids should all start dating Kelly Osbourne, but she would like, not be into them cause they are soooo middle school.

Some kids are ok though. About a month ago we saw a San Diego band called Wrecking Crew who were much tighter and catchier and probably all under 18. Sure it is sacrilege to use the band name of Boston hardcore legends (do an internet search guys - when choosing a name), but they did tear it up.

On to the subject of the extremely shitty Crystal Force:

Crystal Force contains the second most awful climatic sequence I have ever seen in a movie. The first would be from Blood Red Planet, made by the Polonia brothers and Jon McBride, whom I like. I've praised them at times in this blog and just yesterday or the day before that got comment on one of my older posts from an actor in Blood Red Planet. Guys, I have to say sorry, but the ending of Blood Red Planet is awful, though at least I've had fun watching it over and over. Crystal Force, I will never watch that again.

What's with this movie? It's not shot on VHS. There is a bit of a budget. The monster looks cool, if not a little rubbery. Unfortunately in every scene his appearance is enhanced by awful video effects that make him look like shit. He flickers or is only partially superimposed on the screen. In a particularly lame moment his head hovers inside a toilet bowl that is shot from directly above. It looks horribly 2-D and besides, this is not Ghoulies is it? We are supposed to be dealing with a demon here.

Crystal Force directed by Laura Keats

The final sequence involves the beast goring a whole bunch of middle-aged suburban woman, which is fine, the gore is not bad, but as I said, the monster is obscured by video effects. As the shit goes down, the human villain peers through the window and laughs. He did this a couple of times earlier in the movie as well. The shot each time is a close-up of the window, with this guy's upper body pretty much filling in 2/3 of the frame. At no time is this window shown in the context of the rest of the room with the people in it. If they showed that we would say, "hmmm, how are they not noticing that guy audibly laughing and standing about six inches away from that open window for an extended period of time".

More about the climax. For some reason most of this movie takes place in a home that is also a beauty parlor where all the yuppie woman hang out. I can see why a movie maker might set the movie in a beauty parlor. So the hero can blow up the monster with aerosol can of hairspray. It does not happen, the cans are all set up, but that plan is abandoned when we see that an ordinary spray bottle, with some blue fluid in it, can do the job on it's own. That's it really, the monster can't handle the squirts and it's not a joke or a spoof, it just a really stupid ending.

This is not some Troma movie or deliberate project to make the stupidest movie of all time. It just is total shit. What about the rest of the movie. It's just talk, talk, talk, from a bunch of older women. I feel bad for them, like they all probably thought they were making a real movie like Close Encounters Of the Third Kind or something, but really it just junk with a bunch of unappealing female masturbation scenes. Aren't these movies aimed at adolescents? You'd think they could get some younger girls so that kids could get into it. The women gossip about getting hot for Billy Idol and David Lee Roth and that is oh so scandalous and there is much giggling. Was this movie really made in the year 1990?

There are so many extraneous characters and the movie tries to deal with real themes like deaths in the family and loneliness from time to time. The filmmakers were not in touch with the horror market. At least I hope they weren't, though I know the 90's were a shitty time for horror.

And why is there a Crystal Force 2?! It's not even made by the same people. The only explanation is that a lot of people rented Crystal Force because the box looks cool and it hints at sex. I think that Crystal Force 2 is available in a very cheap four movie DVD bundle from Brentwood Video, but I'm not certain.

The Precursor is the pending title for my video class final and it's based on a speech that the human villain in Crystal Force made to his two Dobermans. He speak of some kind of ancient force that created God. No, I'm not making a Crystal Force spin-off, but it's funny how we can find inspiration is some of the lowest places.


Blogger Patrick said...

Crystal Force 3: Return to the Warrenzone --Directed by Warren starring Cub

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently there's a Crystal Force III: Trilogy of Terror.

11:39 AM  

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