Monday, December 25, 2006

the horror screening on Christmas Eve...

So we got out there and the guy at the theater was being cryptic. There would be a screening, but it would be later, much later. Damn, not sure if he was telling us to get lost or not. Are we not part of this underground free screening scene? The theater guy was the Movie Geek from Beat the Geeks, I mean he literally was that guy. So we left to kill time.

CVS was open on Christmas Eve. I browsed through SPIN to find that in Guantanamo Bay they torture detainees by playing rap metal music and an audio book of Ben Stiller and Jenine Gerafalo speaking, this stuff blasted at high volumes of course. I learned nothing from the article, except that an audio book of Ben Stiller and Jenine Gerafalo exists, unless the soldier was joking and the writer did not do his homework to find out if he was being taken for a ride.

Went back to the theater too soon. There is no where worse to be on Christmas Eve than hanging out in a closed video store (it's adjacent to the theater) with a bunch of other movie nerds. I was in hell. Then came the karaoke played over the stores video setup. "My Ding-a-Ling", some Journey song, man, it was like Guantanamo Bay. Is this shit funny to you?

About two hours later everyone entered the move theater, a nice theater. Beat the Geeks gave a lecture. Despite much controversy upon its release Silent Night, Deadly Night is not the first Santa-suit killer film. Before this there was Tales from the Crypt and Christmas Evil. "Wait, this is before Tales from the Crypt?" asked one extremely baffled audience member who should have kept his mouth shut. Beat the Geeks looked disgusted and other audience members were starting to grumble. It was not the HBO Tales from the Crypt being discussed. "I'm talking about the 1972 Tales from the Crypt", Beat the Geeks said, referring to a the Amicus Studios horror anthology. Ouch, this audience member had been brutally chastised in front of all. Good. You might think I'm not for such snobbish douchebagery, but in the case of a know-it-all getting embarrassed, well I was happy to see it happen. At least Beat the Geeks has the knowledge to back up his neediness. Others in the crowd, just ugly fucks with no real value.

Beat the Geeks had more to say. This was a Quentin Tarantino owned print of Silent Night, Deadly Night. Then came a story. The director of Silent Night, Deadly Night 3, a truly boring film by the way, used the money he made to be a producer on Reservoir Dogs. Without him, Tarantino would never have got his start. Without Silent Night, Deadly Night, there would have been no Silent Night, Deadly Night 3. What was Beat the Geeks was getting at? "Without Silent Night, Deadly Night, there would be no postmodern cinema".

The crowd cheered. Then one guy went "wait.... boooooooo!"

"You are just being post-post-modern" said Beat the Geeks.

A strange series of video montages played before the film. These were made up of clips from Christmas movies and cartoons, including two clips from Elves (1990), including the clip where a Santa doing cocaine is murder by the Elf. Boy did Elves look cheaper than I remembered it. Tagline: "They're not working for Santa... Anymore".

So I go to a lot of screenings including screenings with lots of drunks, but never have I heard less funny drunks yelling at the screen than last night. Dear nerds: I especially do not appreciate the use of a laser pointer to accentuate your commentary. A word on the only hot chick seen at the show that night. Why do you date the king of the nerds - the loudest fuckhead in the theater? Are you turned on by the proclamations of trolls? After the show, back home, when your nude bodies rubbed together, your sweat mixed to form a toxic vapor. Rudolph was on a roof. He took one wiff and that was it - he will be out of commission to next year. Merry Christmas.

1 Comments:

Blogger Patrick said...

Fucking grade A!

8:04 PM  

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