Saturday, July 09, 2005

turkey/gooker stickers at the video store

I don't know if this is a trend, or was a trend, but it's a phenomenon I've come across twice. Once at the Videosmith in my home town I came across a copy of Surf Nazis Must Die with, alongside the typical video store labels, a single Thanksgiving turkey sticker on the front. Who put it there? Well I don't know for sure, but I imagine it was a dissatisfied customer, who placed that sticker on the tape to warn future renters that the movie does blow. The next time I saw a turkey sticker was eight years later at another Videosmith, this time in Alston Mass. It was on the box for the Linda Blair movie Grotesque, if you must know.

So I've been reviewing horror movies here and been dishing out mostly good reviews for some movies that probably have not gotten very many good reviews before. Low budget, trashy, unoriginal shit movies that I like because they satisfy my cravings for splatter. I've been getting a good amount of traffic here, and maybe, and this a definitely a maybe, people might take one or two of the recommendations I've made seriously. Everybody should know that it's not a bad idea to listen to my rants, even if I have rated movies on bodycounts alone. See, I don't like everything. I made a list. It had some of the usual suspects on it, Children of the Living Dead, Halloween: Resurrection, etc... I removed those and left the more obscure titles, so here are some titles I don't like and a short explanation for each as to why. Nine films in three categories.

One more thing, I like turkeys in real life, but there is one turkey nobody likes, the Gobbly Gooker, who has showed up on the internet before.

I just could not get through it...

New Year's Evil (1980) - A crappy slasher from Cannon Films. I remember sinister phone calls. I remember rock bands that I could not get into. I remember wishing this movie would end and then making it end with my remote control.

Fade to Black (1980) - It seemed so endless. The killer, a movie buff, dresses up like old film characters to kill those who disrespect the art. I know a lot of people dig this movie, but I could not sympathize with the tormented high-strung killer, nor did I fall for his Marilyn Monroe.

The Nesting (1981) - A movie about an agoraphobic author. Feels like a bad paperback, that you of course, would never finish.

Does not live up to the name...

The Corpse Grinders (1972) - Ted V. Mikels has a cult following. Astro Zombies is ok, but this one is a total bore. Guys, where is the gore? It's on the cover of the box, but not really anywhere else.

even overseas, the Gooker shall be known

Schizoid (1980) - Yeah! Klaus Kinski killing people with a scissors! Sounds great, but it's a lame Cannon Films feature.

Sleepy Hollow High (2000) - "Scream meets Dawson's Creek", could you ask for a better crossover?! Wait... no, you guys don't want that. I kind of did, so I deserved this movie.

Rock Bottom - the worst

Back Woods (2001) - This is the worst movie ever made. It had to have been an experiment, where they only allowed for one take per shot. Really, very little effort was put into this movie, I can't stress that enough. The birth of the "300 pound retard-genius" is shown on screen in what has to be the worst effect ever, next to Mangina, the mythical creature of the Back Woods, who is just a naked guy with his dick tucked between his legs.

Cutting Class (1989) - A teenage Brad Pitt in a slasher with Donovan Leitch, son of 60's rocker Donovan and now a member of the truly shitty Camp Freddy. If you live in L.A. and you've heard their radio show on 'Indie' 103, you know what I'm talking about... Oh yeah, this movie sucks.

hollywood royalty, Camp Freddy, boooo...

At Dawn they Sleep (2000) - Made by death metal guys, they even manage to get in a line where they diss Metallica. So a vampire is going down down on a woman and bites off her vagina. How do they pull off this effect? By having the guy pop up with shreds or roast beef in his mouth. A new low in home movies, this blows.


Blogger jiri said...

Hey, I have enjoyed...your blog is informative - even entertaining.

I have a halloween sites. They pretty much covers costumes and masks related stuff.

Thanks again and I'll be sure to bookmark you.

12:44 PM  

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