Sunday, August 12, 2007

long post – read it all! Skinflutewalkers, B+C, Troll 2, Blood on Satan’s Claw…

I’d already read the bad reviews of Skinwalkers and even watched the trailer (which is something I do only when I have no intention of ever seeing the movie), yet tonight I went to it. First of all, thank you Culver Plaza Six for selling $6 tickets, unheard of in LA! The cheap price made this shit easier to swallow. Friends asked me to go see this at the last minute tonight. My buddy works in the industry and just wanted to see how poor filmmaking can be and still get a national release. Well thank you After Dark films for lowering bar and delivering shit. We’ve got these asshole’s ugly “Horror Fest” billboards all over town. Their promo that runs before the movies, the one with the Godzilla-sized goth girl walking through a city, is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. Then grabs one of their billboards off of the top of a building… unreal.

Skinwalkers sucks. Did you know? There is not a single person who likes it in the whole fucking world so I don’t need to state my case. This has to be a few tiers below the
Blood & Chocolate movie a ripped on for 4 or 5 posts.

Last night I was out with some friends hitting up Hollywood clubs and found out to late (I was the driver) that
Troll 2 was playing at a midnight screening. What’s more, Claudia Fragasso was flown in from Italy at the last minute – I found this out today. While I love Troll 2 and am glad to see it getting attention, unfortunately I’m told that there were far to many comedy bits (stand up comics and a slide show?) and crowd interaction games preceding the movie. Cut the shit, we want the show. I guess during the Q+A people asked Fragasso how he made the “worst movie ever made”. He said, “whatever, you people don’t know anything about making movies…” and he’s right, they don’t. All they know how to do is watch dvd’s, get fat, and scratch their balls. Disgusting slobs. Fuck em’.

The Egyptian Theater is doing some horror and fantasy month. Last weekend I walked down there and saw
The Devils (Ken Russel) with The Blood on Satan’s Claw. You know, I lot of men dig Braveheart and Glatiator and jerk off to that shit, but they should really be watching The Devils if they wanna see a political speech delivered with some impact – that movie pulls no punches – truly one of the best films ever made.

Blood on Satan’s Claw is far better on the big screen than on vhs. Great sets and landscapes. Internet research has told me that the plot is full of holes and characters dropping in and out since it was converted from an anthology screenplay to a feature-legnth story. I can see that. Still, there are a few dumb moments that cannot be explained. If the floorboards in your haunted attic were rising up on their own, would you stick your hand down through the crack? If then your arm was grabbed by the furry claw of Satan, would you retreat to the bed and immediately go to sleep in that very same room? Such antics had the audience engaged in unintentional laughter. Also funny, the illustration of the grinning beast in the ancient book of witchcraft. That one got 3 or 4 unintentional laughs, but I wasn’t laughing at the end of the movie when the demon actually looked like that stupid sketch. What a burn.

Taking a girl on a date to the 3-D pornos at the New Beverly may have been a bad idea and it may explain why the girl and I are no longer hanging out now, just a couple of weeks later. Sadly the theater was almost empty and the patrons may or may not have been mostly perverts. Awesome movies though.
Playmates in Deep Vision 3-D is up there with some of the better Zucker movies when it comes to jokes. The final scene in Playmates, sex on a bed in the wideopen hills, is absolutely beautiful, one of the most amazing things I’ve seen on the big screen. Director Stephen Gibson must have gotten lucky though, because on the Wildcat Women, made later, he sucks, wow. That’s a very violent and nasty movie, if you are wondering.

They gave us “Deep Vision 3-D” glasses with the same logo on them that is shown on screen during the credits. Obviously these glasses are very old. What warehouse have they been sitting in for all these years?

Get your ass out to the New Beverly Cinema for some shows.


Blogger Patrick said...


If you can't take a girl to 3-D Porno, then you just don't need to be taking her anywhere!

11:42 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home