National Museum of Animal Cruelty

In horror news, I've been to busy to go to the theaters. Last time I went was Easter Sunday where I caught the Korean smash Oldboy. It might still be playing at the university theaters around the country, not sure. Everyone is in love with this movie, except for the LA Weekly/OC Weekly critic who wrote an anti-Oldboy review in the form of a letter to Quentin Tarantino(!?!?!). Don't ask why.

Also read this blog which has recently changed from raves about Franz Ferdinand and Interpol to the tale of a zombie epidemic.

I wrote a paper for school and did the assignment totally wrong. I don't know what I was I thinking, didn't skip class or anything, just went and did my own thing. We were supposed to use all sort of techniques learned from the text, I did not use a single one. Worse yet, it did not meet the five page requirement and that means it went unread by the Prof. I've got to write a new paper, but here is an excerpt from my proposal for building a National Museum of Animal Cruelty, weird stuff you could read.

Once inside the lobby, the crowds are still massive, but not festive. Large murals of cows and pigs making pained faces on their way to slaughter will hang from the walls and set a very somber tone. No one should be going into this place laughing or chattering about the latest celebrity gossip.

The tunnel into the exhibit hall is long and dark and is strictly an auditory experience. Actual recordings of animals moaning during slaughter are pumped in from overhead speakers at rock concert volume. Occasionally lighted signs flicker on the left and right. They are miniature versions of the McDonald's and Burger King signs that we see outside of these restaurants on nearly every street in America. Of course these companies won't authorize the use of their logo's in an exhibit that criticizes everything that they stand for. In order to avoid lawsuits the lettering on these smaller signs will be deliberately misspelled, but none the less, everyone will be familiar with the icons.

Everything that happens on the slaughter house's killing floor must be shown in this museum and I see no reason for the gory details not to be the first bit of visual stimulation the visitors will encounter among the exhibits. The dark tunnel exits into a large room that is a replica of a factory farm, only with wax animals filling the cages. I have seen wax figures and life like prosthetics, made for use in movie special effects, that even at a distance of just a few feet could pass for the real things. Our museum's animals will be sculpted by the finest artisans from Madame Tussauds London Wax Museum. Hollywood prop effects people, probably out of work due the industries recent use of computer generated images, can put lots of time into making some human figures move to operate bolt guns and chainsaws. A series of pumps and drains can allow for blood to continuously poor from the wounds of the dying creatures. I thought perhaps that so much blood could squirt from the animals that museum goers would have to protect their clothes with plastic ponchos, as real slaughter house workers have to do in order not to be soaked by the red precious fluids. Though it would be impressive for the exhibit to interact with more senses than those of the eyes and ears, the slaughter house replica ought not to be turned into anything resembling a splish-splash type of amusement park ride.

After witnessing the simulated slaughter of cows and pigs, a catwalk takes visitors to yet another factory themed room, this one full of cages packed with animatronic chickens. Once again there will be a loud soundtrack, since chicken farms are known to be deafening due to the insane amount of the squawking animals per square foot. Visitors will have the option of wearing earplugs. At the far end of the room, actual footage of real mechanical chicken slaughter is shown. The animals are hung alive by their feet and then dipped in electrified water that is supposed to kill them, but sometimes does not. Then they are suspended over a spinning fan blade that beheads perhaps one chicken per second. If museum goers have not had enough images of killing burned into their brains, then complimentary tickets to the Museum of Animal Cruelty's Omni Theater are available. "The Butchering of Bessy" will be shown on a fifteen story screen.

The next part of the exhibit could prove to be even more controversial, as it will focus on the men behind the murders of the animals. Slaughterhouse workers are not the target, rather it's meat companies and fast food executives and CEOs who are getting rich off of animal exploitation who are at fault. Real people will be profiled, such as the late Dave Thomas of Wendy's fame. The TV commercials where he came off as cute and fatherly will look absurd after just having witnessed the death and misery that his company promotes. An Animal Exploitation Hall of Scum will be decorated with photos of the industry's top dogs smiling. Pictures of their mansions and expensive cars will be on display as well. A special section can focus on local millionaires, whose children might see pictures of their own parents when their school brings them to the museum for a field trip. They will be ashamed when the other kids whisper "Isn't that Lisa's Dad in that picture? Is he one of the murdering scum?!"

Of course the board of directors at our museum don't hate everyone. After all, they are former animal exploiters themselves. Almost nobody I've ever met was born vegan and most had to witness or learn about unpleasant atrocities before they changed. The people they are fighting, the meat eaters and consumers of animal products, are in many cases their own family and friends. It is easy to feel sympathy for museum goers who are upset about the exhibits or are even outright angry about them, after all, many of us have probably put up similar defense mechanisms in the past when we first were approached about the horrors of animal exploitation. For this reason the museum ends on a positive note, with monitors showing happy farm animals allowed to live out their natural lives' at a sanctuary. Tips on how to reduce animal suffering in your personal life will scroll underneath the screen. Every little bit helps, even if it only mean substituting a few animal products with vegan alternatives. Certainly their will be a vegan cafe and a gift shop where the crowds can start making cruelty-free choices with their money. Museum workers dressed in soft, oversized cow and pig costumes will give great big hugs to everyone on their way out to the busy New York City streets. The last thing visitors see is a smiling pig waving good-bye, as they walk out the gates into the meat eating world.

Frozen Terror (1980)

Frozen Terror is the cut version of Macabro or Marcabre. I do my research on movies after having watching them, so as not to spoil things for myself. Cub chose this video out of the stack, based on the cover. I was a little apprehensive, expecting some silly stuff like Microwave Massacre. No worries, the opening credits revealed it to be obviously Italian and directed by none other than Lamberto Bava.

How cut is my tape? That's what I want to know. Just how sexy does this women get with her dead lover's severed head? I think the decapitation scene on my video may be missing a shot or two, but it would be a real shame if the love scenes were shortened and Cub and I missed some nasty shit.

I'm wondering why this movie is a fan favorite. I liked it, but I'm not going to rave about it. The pacing is slow, in part because the blind protagonist moves about too slowly, with his hands outstretched, like he's groping in the dark. The plot holes are obvious. How did the head get put in the freezer? How come the unused freezer was powered (if it was ever off the head would have turned to mush) for the five years that the woman was locked up in the mental ward?

I'm the first to say that plot inconsistencies don't matter as long as we've got good horror. Well, there are no suspenseful moments in this picture. They is plenty of scenes that attempt suspense, but fall flat, probably because the music is so poor that it failed to manipulate my emotions in any way.


Frozen Terror, the Lightening Video edition
caution: Cub Speaks this week will include spoilers about the end of Frozen Terror!!!


You really liked this movie, why?

Yes baby cubber I loved this movie because the plot was so captivating and absolutely grotesque.

How come you wanted the little girl to be in the movie more? She was rotten and drowned her brother in the tub.

The little girl was an absolute terror and she played her role beautifully. We knew she was crazy from the second we saw her in the opening scene.

When the severed head came to life and bit the guy on the neck... that couldn't really happen, right?

The severed head biting the neck was quite off the wall. I was not expecting that to happen although for one brief sec I thought the head might actually talk. And no.... it would never happen in real life, unless you were a really naughty naughty boy.

(you think this shit is sickeningly sweet, you should see our private e-mails to each other!!)

it just gets worse...

The spyware wants to destroy my computer.

I figure I can't beat them. I will join them and am putting my Grimiss Emoticon-ware onto your computer. It has a re-direct and bundleware and pop-ups and even a toolbar search. No firewall can stop it. It's too late.

Mcdonald's can't stop me either. I changed the spelling and added an armband. So it's different now. I can't be sued.


I actually saw some death metal band with the singer wearing an armband like that. I don't know who, it was at a metal fest with a hundred boring bands. Fests blow, but I am going to Coachella. You will hear all about it.
I am stressed out.

computer graveyard

I'll be making my new shocking website soon. I just changed the idea of what to name it since I discovered a site out there with a similar name to the one I had in mind and it's a serious site where indie rock shows are listed and bands are profiled and more boring shit. I'm brainstorming again.

Though I pretend to be a computer genius, someone who knows a little code, internet history, and web design, sometimes I'm in way over my head. There are people, nerds perhaps, with 6-10 times as much computer knowledge as I have. Those are the people you should really be paying to do your websites, however, I do know a little of what is going on in the computer world and I'll make your site for half the price! ....negotiable, I will do it for one 4th... :-(

Today's topic: There is spyware out there and it is coming for you!

No, I don't think it will get into your bank account or make your webcam film you when you're getting out of the shower. I do think it will destroy your computer, by breeding, calling up more programs from the internet, to show you ads, ads, and more ads. So many of the shitty little programs will be running that you won't be able to use your real software due to a memory shortage. One day, after not keeping up with the deleting of these sneaky spies, you won't be able to use your computer at all.


Download
For a while I had two computers, one purchased from a former roommate, the other, abandoned by a former roommate Neither was reliable and I'd switch between the two, plugging the other in every time I got frustrated. Both were hurting from spyware infections and they both went totally dead within a month of each other. I went out and bought the new $200 Windows operating system to save at least one of the lifeless shells. No, neither computer would read the disc. Stickers all over the packaging said that it could not be returned if opened and I had mangled the box big time Well, Hollywood's Best Buy had opened only two days before I had gone in there to make my purchase. I knew I would be able to force the brand new employees to take back my discs. I'm am not usually brave or obnoxious, but I was seeing red. It was a bad day and I did kick the shit out of one of the dead PCs.

But I needed a computer and I bought one of the cheap e-machines that after rebates costs only a few hundred dollars. This computer pleases me and I'm still friends with it now. Only recently has Explorer not been opening without a restart. Yeah, that's a pretty bad sign, but I've been through so much worse. Besides, I've been fucking with it from the start. The first thing I did was take the hood off of the thing to jam an older drive into there. How stupid is that? Buy a perfect new PC and crack it open right away. It felt wrong..

I have taken proactive measures to fight spyware. I've got a free ZoneAlarm firewall. Norton Utilities, and now the new program and the reason I wrote this column, Microsoft AntiSpyware. It found a ton of shit Norton didn't and it's free and supposedly will stay free. Listen to the horrible programs it found: eXact.CashBack, TopRebates, WinControlAd, Trojan.Startup.Xhrmy, BundleWare, Look2Me, and about 45 more. What's the point of these programs I wonder. That's the absurdity of it all. I bet only one in 10,000 morons buys something advertised by these programs and we all have to suffer for it. If the programers get money for each ad shown, it's something like 0.0001 cents per view. So they have to inflict there junk on millions to make a profit. I'm not a Microsoft fan, it's Windows' uniformity that makes the spyware so effective, however, a lot of the 'spyware removers' you find on the web from random developers are actually spyware themselves! This Microsoft one is the real deal, just do a search, you will find it.

Here is testimony from the people about spyware, so you don't have to take my word for it!

I just liberated my sister-in-law's computer from the zombie army last weekend. She had at least 3 viruses, and Ad-Aware found 800+ spyware modules. She couldn't figure out why her web browsing was slow. Her computer was sending so much spam, she couldn't even pull down a web page. Incredible.

It's really more than an annoyance. At a certain point, spyware destroys computers. I have a machine in here from one of the employees that has been totally obliterated by spyware. It is utterly unusable. I don't think there's an actual virus, but there's just so...much...stuff.

The biggest indicator of if you're going to have a problem? How old your kids are. Let a 9 to 15-year-old loose on a PC and a broadband connection, and your computer will die, it's just a matter of time. (I also wreck machines, too much exploring and going to obsolete sites, I should stick to cnn.com, ebay.com, imdb.com, etc...)

(Oh wait, the actual biggest indicator is if you have a Windows PC. If you have a Mac, you're in much better shape.)

A horror movie about spyware! What a good idea! Oh wait, movies about computer virus suck. Movies about hacking suck. Movies about the internet suck. Nevermind.

sex crimes and death culture

Here is some political writing about current events, skip it if you want, but I did post some ridiculous shit toward the end of my essay. It might be worth a look.

I'm not labeled as conservative or liberal so from my position the case of the brain damaged woman on a tube is very complicated. To be on the safe side I probably ought to take the side where Schiavo doesn't get starved to death. Common sense right? Well no. People aren't using the own senses at all, they pick the side they are supposed to be aligned with and change the facts to fit their view. Republicans have manipulated the issue. Liberals fear that if a law is changed to save this women, it would be a law that takes away choices that they might want to make. It is convenient for liberals to believe she is braindead. It is convenient for Republicans to state that she is trying to communicate, so that this case can be a massive example of euthanasia gone horribly wrong. Neither group ever really thinks when it comes to any issue. All their stances are already defined by their very identities. Here, a life is in the balance and people sounding off on both sides of the issue really don't care except for how it affects their agendas. I don't know very much about Republicans, I have more of a liberal background, so the warnings I'm going to issue are to the brainwashed left as opposed to the brainwashed right. You believe people should have the right to choose when to be taken off of life support. If they can't choose, the closest loved one has that right. I see the logic, but what about this particular case. I'm told that the husband does not visit. I'm told that he did not use the money he received (due to her condition) to pay for her treatment? Is it because he believes in the liberal value of euthanasia that you side with the husband?

Liberals are associate with tolerance and diversity, but what value is given to people with diminished capacities if this women is to die because a full bodied man authorized it?

One thing is for sure. Americans don't weigh issues and think according to which side of the battle lines they stand on. Sometimes I wonder if their are liberals who consider every aborted fetus a victory or liberals who will high five when they find out that this woman has died, since that means Bush's plans were thwarted. Of course on the other side we have all that military bullshit. Yes, there is a culture of death in America.

and now for sex crimes... There is good news! Well actually it is a sad story for everyone involved so we probably should not take joy in any of the proceedings, but Jane Doe's representatives did say she was happy. That counts for something.

Here in Newport Beach a crime was committed. Of course I did not live here when the shit went down. It's not my hometown and I can't say I really know any of my neighbors at all, but my apartment is here so this national story has a tiny bit more relevance to me. It's been the focus of the O.C. Weekly (free paper with a bit of news and all the rock show listings) for months now. Rich skateboarder Greg Haidl and two friends made a video tape where they violated the unconscious Jane Doe (then 17) on a pool table in the basement of his dad's mansion. Object's that penetrated the vagina include a lit cigarette, an aluminum fruit juice can, a snapple bottle, and a pool cue. The pool cue is inserted as deep as possible. They touch the stomach to see how deep it goes. The pool cue is inserted into the anus as well. The boys were blasting nasty rap music and striking poses for the camera. Of course they wanted to show their movie to the friends, but too bad for them, they lost track of it and it ended up lost at a Newport Beach rental.

It sounded like the boys were were fucked for sure. I mean, it's all on tape! Well there was a mistrial. The boys had the best lawyers money can buy and it started to look like they would probably not do any time. Haidl must have felt invincible. When his dad threw him a post-mistrial party, he had sex with an underage girl. Not a good idea if you were out on bail, but that was just the first strike. Haidl was then caught skateboarding where he should not have been and had with him something he should not have had, a bag of weed. Well, a friend took the fall (real quote: "Dudes, it can't be my dope! I’m out on bail") and his dad's political connections also helped. Then came a sad Halloween night, drunken Haidl crashed his 2005 Scion into oncoming traffic. Eventually this one landed him in jail.

The most recent trial was a nasty one. The defense argued that Jane Doe was acting. She had convinced the boys to make a staged necrophilia gang bang video in order to further here potential career as a porn star. Ridiculous even though Jane Doe was very sexual and had been with some of the boys before. Despite all those matters being legally irrelevant, the defense's tactic was to smear Doe as a 'slut'.

I try to bring the best links to my readers. Here are clips from the actual trial where you can see the defense talk about Doe shaving her privates.

So that's the background story. And yesterday's news? Of course, the boys were found guilty of the bulk of the charges leveled against them. I saw them on the news, that looked devastated. Two of them were crying uncontrollably. Sentencing is still unknown.

Here is link to tons of the updates from the O.C. Weekly. They made Haidle 'Man of the Year' and put him on the cover with a banner, which is some pretty dark humor that amused me to no end.

Here is some text and a killer clip, filmed by Haidl trough a skateboarding-type fisheye lens. It shows drunk defendant Kyle Nachreiner jumping off a railing CKY style. Oh yeah, he talks like a jackass too.

and last... Someone should have taken this site down! A link to Haidl's skateboarding profile, where he is sponsored or whatever. Users are allowed to comment and they say the most interesting things. Examples...

the 'informative' post...

~~~~~~~~~~ALL ABOUT JANE DOE~~~~~~~~~~
1) Jane Doe is actually very pretty- even your twisted friend Greg and his buddies said she was the hottest girl in their group of friends. And besides what does her beauty have to do with getting raped?
2) Don't know about the pillow, all I know is she didn't say a word as they shoved those objects up her, and what girl pee's on herself voluntarily?
3) Yeah Greg's daddy buys him out of trouble, that says alot about the Haidl family values.
4) He got fatter and uglier- I AGREE!!!
5) Hopefully the jury will view the evidence and see him for the creep he is.
6) Very STUPID KID!!! What idiot makes this tape and leaves it for others to find? DUH GREG!!! Also if hes such a great kid why did he befriend Alessandro Avila, the sicko who molests and kills 5 year old girls. He's Greg's friend in jail!!!!!! Greg talks to him and shares candy with him. I guess they have alot in common. After seeing Chuck Middleton at work, fighting for Jane DOe, I have come to the conclusion that Greg will stay and rot in jail for hopefully the next 23 years!

the typical post...

Greg Haidl was Convicted Today and faces 18 years in Prison. At least he's got 4 months of that done already! the other two guys (kyle and keith) look pretty humiliated and shocked when they were handcuffed and going to jail, haha - i think they are getting booked still right now (6 hours later). they are just gettin' cozy right about now down in Santa Ana!

the ??? post...

1. what's janes last name we want to look her up on google
2. Do you skate in your jail cubicle?
3. why did you commit suicide?

The Pit (1981)

This cult classic tell the story Jamie, an autistic boy, who is picked on and unloved, so he tricks people into going out into the woods with him and pushes them into a pit full of monsters. Obviously this movie is awesome and it teaches people about the condition of autism. I've never known anyone diagnosed as autistic, but I've had my suspicions about a few people. Of course we are rooting for the kid, Jamie, in this movie, but he is not exactly an angel. He is a peeping tom, and the techniques he uses to harass the librarian, whom he is attracted too, are certainly elaborate and criminal.


I managed to find both versions of the artwork for this movie.
The pacing in this movie is a little off. We have a good chunk of the film with no killings, and then three scenes in a row of people being pushed into the pit. Fortunately, Jamie is a joy to watch. He wants to help the monsters in the hole, the tra-la-logs, and has discussions with his teddy bear about how to do so. Teddy is not really alive, his voice sounds like an echoing version of Jamie's, but in one inexplicable scene, Teddy turns his head when he is alone in the room.

Towards the end of the movie, Jamie manages to get the tra-la-logs out of the pit, and the movie focuses more on their rampage across the countryside than it does on Jamie's inner conflicts. This is unfortunate, though the tra-la-logs do have a good look.

The imdb fun fact about this movie is that director Lew Lehman's wife refused to let him shoot the nude scenes, except for the one in the lake, because the actress in that scene was his daughter.

The final scene in this movie is awesome, I saw it coming, but I've watched a billion of these movies. You might be in for a shock.


Do think there might be a pit of forgotten prehistoric tra-la-logs in real life? Maybe one near our apartment?

I believe that there may in fact be some prehistoric tra-la-logs on the other side of our bedroom wall. For I have oftentimes come home and witnessed Mishu (my bear) staring at the wall speaking to God knows what. Tra-la-logs perhaps? That may also explain all the missing food in our apartment!

After we saw Jamie talking to his Teddy, were you upset to see me talking to my bear, Mishu?

It was a bit upsetting to see you talk to Mishu more than me, cause he doesn't even truly love like a cub should love. Mishu does sound creepy and I know he caught it all from Teddy. Bad influence. Keep Mishu sweet and innocent!

the internet and me

I'm letting my warrenzone.net site expire in 2 days since I was not very pleased with the host, doteasy.com. One problem with them is that I can't host images on their server and have them appear here. In theory I should be able to, but no, they appear broken. I've been using imageshack.us and have been happy with that free service. warrenzone.net is already down and I've got a redirect link sending the traffic here. If you are a reader who only knows the warrenzone.net address, please bookmark this one, I need to retain every reader that I can, cause there are not that many!

I'm going to be making a new website, showcasing the writing from here and a few surprise things. I plan to keep posting content here first, and then archiving it on a site with maybe more graphics and extras. I'm trying to think up the most obnoxious name for the site, one that will annoy and generate hate mail. Unfortunately a lot of the good names are taken, people have bought every .com name you can think of so that they can one day sell them for a high price. Here is a link to a sleazy company that buys domain names right after they expire, posts porn sites at the address, and then tries to sell the name back to the original user for $500!

Anyway, it looks like my site name will end with .net.

In the news...

The new issue of Fangoria sucks, cover to cover.

Quentin Tarantino is not making the new Friday the 13th movie. It was just a rumor, and people, if you believed that one, you are dumb.

I saw the German movie Downfall about Hitler's last days in the bunker. This movie is very disturbing and is a must see. Cub and I were almost the only ones in the theater watching this movie who were not actually alive during WWII. Maybe it's just Newport Beach, you have to have a lifetime's savings to be able to afford to live here.

The next Ring movie will be a remake of the first one, but the evil videotape will be replaced by a cursed DVD. The fourth Ring movie will be aboard a space ship in the year 2020. The creepy video footage is saved on the ship's computer and plays spontaneously on the monitors, dooming the crew and passengers to only a week more of life if they can't find anyone else to watch it. This info from a reliable source.

era of the demoniac

Here is some news about mad scientist experiments that are wrong for so many reasons. First I'll illustrate the concept via diagram and you will be shocked, but this is real.



another diagram from bloodbath horror blog
here is the text of the article, from animal rights site veganporn.com

2005-03-09 15:18:29 EST

I am amazed. According to the news of the day from mikethevegan, scientists are working on making a mouse with a human brain. This transcends my ability to understand science to the point where this might well be a hoax, but the plan at this point seems to be to use stem cells from aborted foetuses to get an all-human brain inside the rat. There are limits to the madness though: according to Stanford University's ethics committee, "if the mouse shows human-like behaviors, like improved memory or problem-solving, it's time to stop," and by "stop," they mean "kill all the mice," which at that point, by their twisted logic, would kind of work out to be murder... It's an ethical minefield, but one that's simple to negotiate once you accept the fact that it's simply wrong to experiment on any animal, regardless of what kind of brain it has.

I don't have to comment much, that entry says it all, however I might point out that these scientists should probably watch some horror movies to see what kind of results are produced by such experiments.

here is the real news story

punk, stylists, cool

The other day I was talking about Keanu Reeves wearing a GBH shirt in a photo spread and was reminded of my year of managing a boutique in Hollywood. Stars don't wear their own clothes in magazines or rock videos. Wardrobe sends stylists to pick up clothes from trendy stores and then try them on the star at the shoot. They don't buy the clothes outright, but agree to purchase a certain percentage of what they pull. I saw a Good Charlotte video where the singer is wearing a Crucifix 'peace bomb' logo t-shirt. Now I'm sure Good Charlotte are doing their best to catch up and learn everything they can about the history of underground punk, but I doubt they have gotten much deeper than the Dead Kennedys at this point. Most likely the singer had never seen that t-shirt until the day of the filming. A smart stylist hit up one of the several stores in Los Angeles that sells a wide variety of freshly screened unlicensed punk tees.

My favorite example is Justin Timberlake wearing a shirt with an Anti-Nowhere League logo printed on the sleeve. The designer of the (no doubt expensive) garment probably just 'borrowed' the image, knowing the most of the world, including Justin, would have no idea that it came from somewhere else.


Once again I provide the evidence!
random notes:

Quentin Tarantino will be making the new Friday the 13th movie called Ultimate Jason Vorhees Movie. Well, that's what I heard...

Dario Argento will be making the last film in the "Three Mothers" trilogy. The sequel to Suspiria and Inferno. Well, that's what I heard..

If two out of three people can't tell that a whole issue of Vice Magazine was a joke, then there is little hope for any of my websites..

Cursed (2004)

I've never reviewed a current horror film in this blog. I guess I just like to stick to the obscure stuff on DVD or out-of-print tapes, but what the hell, I want to write about Cursed. Wes Craven all but disowned the movie, Cub and I went to the theater anyway. I'll break it down nice and simple.

what I liked

Scenes set in Hollywood near my old apartment.

The horror references in Club Tinsel.

Animal costumes and a scene at a Peta event.

A kid coming out of the closet.

what I disliked

The gore being cut or not shown. In one scene the screen goes black and we just hear the mauling. Terrible.

A quick dream like sequence that is very Ring-like, with flies and some fast cuts and jerky bits of crawling on the ceiling.

The humor, a line like "Lay off the crack".

Scott Baio cameo. Is that funny?

The cartoonish transformations. Who knew the werewolves become Shrek right before sprouting fur? Why have we regressed so much since An American Werewolf in London. Rick Baker is mentioned in the credits, but I don't think he left the film early, this movie took a long time to be made. At least these effects were better than the changes in An American Werewolf in Paris, a shit film.

The wrestling tryout scene. A lot of the characters in this movie don't act remotely like real people do, especially the people at the school.

On the bloody-disgusting site a user knocks the scene where the werewolf gives the finger, well here is a rebuttal from another user who (I wished he'd left a name) represents your average kid who loved this movie. "To all you little dick critics, FUCK U!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And P.S., fuck is wrong with flashing the finger, shit I do it all the fucking time BITCHES HO FUCKs"

The CGI, I never like CGI, but in this movie it's particularly fake looking when the werewolves, or the infected golden retriever, are running around.

A scene with a hummer, this movie already feels dated.

Verdict: Nobody out there is gonna say this is a good movie and it was a major disappointment to horror fans.

Cursed star Christina Ricci, like you didn't know..

Witchfinder General (1968)

I get to write at school now and my first paper, about getting jumped in L.A., got an 'A', so with that said, we have proof that stories are worth reading. I've been pretty pissed off lately, busy, and tired, but I still managed to watch some movies.

Witchfinder General is known more commonly as The Conqueror Worm here in America. I swear I once read on the back of a video box somewhere, that in this movie Hopkins goes up against a real witch for a battle of evil vs. evil. That does not happen. I expected it to, maybe I'm confused. I don't have a real tape of this movie, just a dub with no box art that I won on ebay. Yes, I've been getting ripped off left and right, who would expect movies won on ebay to not be factory issue!

It's a good movie, more complex than most gothic horrors. Before seeing this movie I was familiar with the Cathedral song based on the film from their album 'The Carnival Bizzare'. I'd like to comment on the lyrics.


Hopkins (The Witchfinder General)

She rides to the sabbath
Veiled under silver light
To make love to the devil
Necromancer of nyte
Within the mystic forest
She sets your world alight
Her coven conjure the demons
Herald the sacrifice yeah

Lucifera Vampirella
She bares the mark of the devil

Queen of the witches
Her kingdom is your hell
Black masses in the convent
Priests under her spell
The crops have withered
The sky bends upside down
Her name is Lucifera
The mutant preachers yell yeah

My name is Hopkins
I'm the witchfinder general
My impotence deceives me
You beauty turns me pale
Winds haunt the village
Satan's ghost awakes
The world falls into darkness
As she melts at the stake yeah

Matthew Hopkins witchfinder general
Your soul condemned to hell
All of the verses, except for the last one, have nothing to do with the movie. Their are no supernatural elements present. The line that mentions Hopkins being impotent probably refers to the movie Mark of the Devil, based on Witchfinder General, and made two years later. It's got an impotent accuser and is a very nasty movie with tons of explicit torture scenes and gore. Still, the Cathedral song has a bunch of audio samples from Witchfinder General and a the rock video is included on some DVD releases of the movie. I found the video online and there are some film clips in there so check it out if you want to at MetalVideos, Inc., scroll down through the alphabetical list of metal bands.

Witchfinder General stars Vincent Price, not on my list of top horror stars of all time as I tried to keep it obscure. I was familiar with him even when I was a toddler since he hosted Mystery! on Channel 2 and speaks on 'Thriller'. In Cry of the Banshee (1970), Price plays a witchfinder again, but I didn't really like that one.

Witchfinder General director Michael Reeves made three other horror movies.

Slave of the Cannibal God (1978)

Directed by Sergio Martino, I've mentioned him in this blog before. Anyway, I'm glad that neither he, nor anyone involved in the making of this film, got any money as a result of me buying a 'public domain' DVD copy of the movie.

As everybody knows, I have a deep interest in horror movies. I collect obscure stuff, write reviews, have my own theories, I read tons about it, and plan to someday become an expert in the field. Some of my friends that are horror fans are among the smartest people I've met. We could have conversations that rival those of the sharpest brain surgeons... well not really, but we do seriously examine the subject.

Why is it then, that there are so many boneheads among casual horror fans? They want to see Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Chucky, more straight-to-video Hellraiser sequels, horror movies based on video games, and probably even another movie directed by Dee Snider. Yes, stupid shit all around, but my real contempt is for the true losers who want to see graphic footage of people really dying. It is sick to laugh at the stuff, but also very brainless. Can't you picture Beavis sitting on his couch laughing at a film of a woman getting hit by a train?

I've got some of those documentaries, a Faces of Death tape, Death Faces, Shocking Africa, and Brutes and Savages, but all of them I got in box lots on ebay and I don't watch any of them. It's one thing to see this kind of stuff with the intent to learn about atrocities and hopefully be inspired to make some sort of difference in the world. It's another thing to just get a kick out this shit and take joy in someone else's ultimate misery.

With that said, I don't like it when movies create this kind of 'mondo footage' to make for more shocks, though fortunately, I don't suppose it ever happens anymore.

On a lighter note, here is my tribute to the horror fan gone wrong... aka A TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT! some new jack from France.


Interests: horror movies, slipknot, 666, serial killers, piercings, death metal, satan, ozzfest, mtv2 headbanger's ball, metalcore, tattoos, goth chicks, weed, manson, korn, cky, 420, faces of death, absinth, black metal, hitler, my chemical romance, drugs...

Mutator (1989)

Mutator is one of those horror movies that features animal rights activists raiding a lab to liberate the animals. As a former animal rights campaigner, this is of interest to me. The movie Food of the Gods II features lab raids as does 28 Days Later and at least one other movie that slips my mind. I'm not referring to Twelve Monkeys, rather a monster or slasher movie. If you know of any similar movies, send me a note.

The activists are kind of stupid, but so are most of the characters in Mutator, such as the guards, the scientists, and the corporate head. I think the film has a slight antivivisection message as well as an anti-corporate message, which is very typical of monster/horror movies. The activists do where leather, which is not typical in the real world, but hey, maybe in the 80's, activists were less consistent in their concepts of animal liberation.

The lab is of course responsible for the creation of something awful that has escape. The corporate head tries to explain that the use of animals is worth it because of the potential benefits for humanity, but the activists are not buying it. Yes they do have a brief debate when they meet up, as everyone tries to escape the lab together. The corporate head also has to explain that creating this horrible killer beast may be unfortunate, but that too is a small sacrifice to make for the valuable life saving research. Nobody buys that one. This guy also gets painted as corrupt, lying to the press, and making the keeping of company secrets a priority over everyone's survival. He puts the laboratory under automatic lockdown until 7 AM, trapping all the characters inside with the monster.


Mutator directed by John R. Bowey, staring Brion James, from Prism Video who put out a lot of good stuff. The box cover here is little lame and the title, 'Mutator', is awfully forgettable.
So how about the movie? Not so great. The kills are pretty poor. The characters are ok, none of their lines are very memorable. I was not clear if there was one creature, two, or three, or maybe a whole litter. Litter? Yes, and this is not much of a spoiler because anyone can catch the hints early on in the film, the monster has a muscular furry body (like a werewolf), but with a large cat's head. Yeah, it's goofy looking and scene where it or they die is just a giant explosion. Could it be that the creatures lived?

One note, the background music, an ominous low piano key followed by a mechanical inhalation sound, was very familiar. I swear I've heard it in another movie. If anyone can figure out what movie it might be, I'd be very impressed and bestow upon them the title of 'horror ace', which you probably deserve alone for just having seen Mutator.

links and blogs for animal rights - If they are strange to you, keep in mind that they are aimed at other vegans, who are like you in most ways, but are just more used to these concepts.

The Veg Blog

another one - Vegan Freaks

Erin Pavlina's Vegan Blog - This one is of interest because it discusses the episode with the vegan family on the reality tv show Trading Spouses. I saw some of one of these episodes with the vegans and turned it off in disgust. How anyone would think that this show would be a good forum to showcase animal rights, I don't know. The producers edit that crap to make everyone look like idiots. Word is that vegans everywhere thought this episode was a PR disaster. I heard there was a vegan on Ted Nugent's reality show and they took a beating too. People need to realize that the shows can make you look anyway the editor wants you to look and the mainstream media, no matter how liberal it may appear (save for Nugent), does not like the idea of giving up meat.

stop huntington animal cruelty - last I checked, and it was a while ago, this was what all the animal activist kids were into, the only campaign they were paying attention too.
Just so you know, I am cynical, but I do believe that people should go vegan for the animals and that animal research is wrong.

link about movies

widescreen and fullscreen - what you did not know about the formats and movies in general, really...

fed up with 'tuff'

Suppose I wrote the words "cuddle me and slit my throat." You might say that would make a pretty cool title for a livejournal entry. You might think those are some sick lyrics from a screamo band. You might feel that those words ring true. Well, you suck, because that's an example I thought up to illustrate a phenomenon that has got to go. The combination of something cute/affectionate/sentimental with something violent/evil/dangerous to create a conflicted entity. Whether it's a lame metalcore album title or a shitty tattoo, combining cute and evil creates something that is more complex than either one of those elements alone, but is hardly sophisticated or brilliant. Don't worry, I've got plenty of examples. Sure the phenomenon has existed for ages, but it is especially prevalent now. Check it out...

The musical style of screamo alone is a perfect model. The riffs and the screaming of metal are all there, along with soft parts, that bring to mind the insecurities and pain of Dashboard Confessional songs. It's being tough and being sensitive in one package. Brilliant, if you are marketing your product to confused teenagers, bullshit if you are sick of being manipulated by works that aim to be considered 'smart'.

Anyone can take a stencil of brass knuckles and use pink paint instead of black to mix effeminate qualities with brutality. The result is hardly interesting these days, let alone revolutionary. That example I invented, but some hardcore kids would probably think that putting a design like that on a t-shirt would be a brilliant fashion statement. These kids are in thugged-out crews, but wear eyeliner. They will fuck you up (allegedly, but I have not seen any fashioncore kids beat anyone in person) and then go home and cry to a Cure record. Well you can't have your cake and eat it too, pick a side and stay there.

Listen trendy youth of American, I also have discovered that life is not black and white, you learn that when you move out on your own.

I suppose it's no surprise that fashion, music, and trends all contain the elements I have described, since they are dictated by young consumers who are going through times of transition and learning lessons for the first time. None the less, right now I am annoyed, here come the examples of what is played out.

Take the word 'tough', change it to cute spelling, 'tuff'. Do a search on this word and 'emo', they go together. Ok, that's hardly scientific, but here are the results... you will find links to makeoutclub, my space profiles, and hardcore distros. Also this shitty quiz.

How about this band that plays Love Metal?


Mix the evil pentagram with the heart, representative of teen crushes and sooo complex.
These titles for hardcore/punk records.

Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses
White Doves and Smoking Guns
Palm Trees and Power Lines

I know there are more examples out there, these are the ones I found with a quick look around the record store that I work in. If you can think of anymore examples of something sweet paired with something nasty titles, send them my way.

Here is a mid 90's example, I know I'm trying to talk about a phenomenon that exists right now, but this one is fun. You might not expect someone to get a tattoo of an x'd-up cartoon character these days, but it used to happen. A typical straight edge graphic would be an x'd-up tough guy with a baseball bat running across the record sleeve (I wish I had that record..), but here is one with the twist.


an x'd-up Simba, or a in some cases, a Calvin
In the world of horror, the phenomenon exists as well. Observe the resurgence in popularity of the Gremlins. Those cute little Mogwai turn into viscous killers. Hey, even I was tempted to get a tattoo of Gizmo driving his car. I bet Cub is glad I don't have that.


Stripe, the bad Mogwai, yeah, I like him too.
Anyway, the old me is guilty of trying to come of as cute. I always was the 'friendly' militant vegan. I don't need to go into detail, but I mixed strong convictions with an oh so adorable personality. I had my own dialect, strange sayings, a completely different tone of voice. It went over pretty well, but I'm embarrassed now. If you know me these days, you can see that I'm strictly business! Sure I tell some lame jokes, but I'm not aiming to be the center of attention. So all you kids out there affecting poses, clean up your act now!

Netherworld (1992)

The director and writer is David Schmoeller, who brought us three of the best Charles Band/Full Moon movies, Puppet Master, Crawlspace, and Tourist Trap. He also made Curse IV, which I was unable to sit through, but maybe I'll give it another shot. Fortunately, this guy was not around for Full Moon's downfall (about 2000 or 2001) and did not get stuck making crap like Deathbed, The Killer Eye, and Vengeance of the Dead. All Grade 'F' films.


Netherworld
Netherworld is one of those straight to video movies that could pass for a film that played on the big screen. Full Moon put out a bunch of these solid, higher budget movies, when they were in their early 90's prime. Unfortunately they pumped out too many movies as the decade continued, each one looked cheaper and less thought out than the last. By the year 2000, they were releasing movies that were shot on video. I guess if your movies cost nothing to make, it's hard not to make a profit off of them, but Full Moon lost a lot of fans and just about all of their credibility. Charles Band changed the name of his company to Shadow Entertainment, allegedly because he personally felt that the movies were not as good.

While Netherworld is well made, I did not care for it that much. They went out on a limb with a strange story, and I respect the risks that they took, but I was left a bit confused and more than a bit ambivalent.


Cub what was the flying hand all about?

I think that the flying hand was out to turn all the "bad" guys into birds, which was their punishment for being jerks. Some became canaries, others cardinals, while some even became parrots (hence the scary one at the end, although it was the best part of the movie).

Did you think that sex scene with the ice cubes was wicked hot?

The ice cube sex scene was steamy, I must admit! Don't be mad baby :)

How did you know I liked that parrot monster? You said, "you like that don't you." I did, I think the parrot puppet should have got a lot more screen time.

At this point in our life to you think it is surprising that I know what you like and don't like, come on..... of course I knew you'd love the evil parrot scene at the end.

internet sensation - moshzilla

You know how stuff gets passed around the internet and usually it's a bunch of crap, but I'm not gonna pretend that I'm above this, after all, this is a website. Over the past few day, maybe longer (I just heard about it yesterday) people have been laughing at the 'moshzilla' picture. My friend went to a message board (trustkill) to get technical help with his I-pod, and the moshzilla pics were what most of the posts on the board were about. The picture, it appears that there is only one original, shows a girl tearing it up in the pit, allegedly at a San Diego show. Since then, billions of photoshop parodies have appeared on message boards across the web.

A website sprung up, then got shut down, see why... moshzilla.com at notpopular.com

Yeah, I guess the girl is threatening a lawsuit. Word is that there was a lot of mean talk along with the pics, name calling and what not. Now the parodies are hard to find online. I saw only a fraction of them.


the original - but look at how generic the hardcore kids in the back look. I see a Terror t-shirt, I bet there were at least 30 of those at that particular show. One time, several years back, at Big Burrito in Boston I saw three kids come in, all wearing In My Eyes t-shirts. Two had on the same shirt, one had a different one, all the t-shirts were blue. There are more bands in hardcore, it's been around for years, but I guess the sheep mentality rules. You can see an In My Eyes shirt in this picture, over on the left.


Hardcore kids, back into the fold! From me, I love my stupid graphics!
The moshzilla photoshop pics, I seriously laughed my ass off. Some can be found here, at least for now.


here is one moshzilla pic that some kid made
My blog here is all about moratoriums, and I'd like to place moratoriums on some words in hardcore. "Posi" and "Crucial" are words that have been said to death, and that's why people keep saying them, to get people to role their eyes and deliver a cheep laugh. I like bad jokes, but not overkill. It's like shouting "Freebird" at a Shellac show, you think it's funny because it's not funny, but it's just not funny at all. Know what I'm saying?

Beyond Darkness (1990)

I thought this movie was pretty killer, though now I'm reading the internet reviews and they are negative across the board. Good thing I did not read those before watching, I'm very impressionable. It looks like this movie is written off by many because it's directed by Claudio Fragasso who soon after brought us the much maligned Troll 2. I mentioned that one in my 'most hated horror sequels' piece.

What's up with this movie? Father Peter and his family move into a possessed house. The dialogue is quite odd At first I figured it that was due to losses in the translation from Italian to English. Now that I see it's written by the same people who wrote Troll 2, Fragasso and Rossella Drudi, it's clear that it comes from people who write quirky stuff. For example, the little girl thinks the hole in the wall, a portal to hell, is a blow dryer. Some of this ideas in this movie are lifted from Poltergeist and The Excorist and perhaps even Videodrome with the body parts pushing out from the other side of a fleshy wall. The most original concept is the rocking black swan. Think rocking horse, but shaped like a swan, pretty neat.


Beyond Darkness, recommended by me, and me alone
There is a lot of talk about the title of this movie as sometimes it is called House 5, in reference to the popular American series, though it predates House IV. In Italy it's called La Casa 5, because they've got a different set of La Casa movies of there. Word is that Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2 are the first two movies in that series, under the titles La Casa and La Casa 2, and the rest are Italian originals. Don't confuse this movie with Beyond the Darkness by fellow Italian, Joe D'Amato.

Here is a review in what I imagine is Italian, but the page shows a pic of the cool La Casa 5 artwork - splattercontainer.com

Beyond Darkness on the IMDB

Playroom (1990)

I'm not want to pick at continuity errors or rip on bad acting, but this movie really asks for it. Christopher McDonald's decent into insanity is not really a descent, it's instantaneous, and annoying. I don't really get why the imaginary boyhood friend of the main character is dressed in 90's fashion, in an oversized t-shirt and ripped jeans. He would have been wearing 70's clothes if they had got it right. Also, are we to believe that the drawing he made as a child would still be lying on the monastery floor? Half a lifetime later?

No one will care if I spoil the end of this movie, so here goes. In a weird way, the monster that shows up, really looks like that silly drawing I was talking about. Cub said it looked like Yoda. It's movements reminded me of creatures in The Dark Crystal. Did Frank Oz create this strange being? No.


Playroom directed by Manny Coto
By the way, I'm watching the Super Bowl and I just heard music, by one of the those Depeche Mode-Cure-by way-of-The Strokes sounding bands. I believe it was the Killers, singers of another song, "Indie Rock & Roll". At least, I think that song is ironic.

Let's talk to Cub about this movie.



I thought the playroom was quite horrible. The little kids I see at the preschool are better actors than the individuals in this movie! The main actor was horrid and could not have exaggerated himself anymore than he did. The monster was even a disappointment, and that says a lot. The only cool thing about this movie was the idea of the monastery and the playroom, with all of the torture devices. Aside from this there is nothing worth noting.

worst publications ever

The world's worst publications, in print, not websites. This should be fun, I'm only doing five now, maybe I'll continue the feature if people like it. Now suppose I read a magazine in the past, it sucked, and I have not picked it up in a few years... you know, because I did not want to subject myself to torment. Well I'll put it on here anyway! So some of the magazines might be out of date, maybe they changed, maybe not. They are still guilty of being the most awful crap I'd seen at a particular time. Don't worry, I read a lot of magazines now. We sell magazines at my work and I'm rarely pleased.

Horror fans, you know Fangoria will be on this list!

5. Skratch - There is a good thing about this publication. It's free and do appreciate free stuff. I'd rather read this magazine while drinking a coffee than just stare at the wall or be left alone with my thoughts, anyway...

I first became exposed to Skratch magazine while living in Allston, Mass. We moved into a house, a whole bunch of us, since it was a three story former Boston University frat house with a livable basement too. The previous occupants, evicted perhaps, were a large ska band called Big D and The Kids Table. They left behind a lot of junk, no hard feelings, I had left tons of trash in the place I had just moved out of. Besides, Big D's trash was at least interesting, ska cds from their distro, furnishings, and fraternity stuff, no doubt relics from even more distant occupants. There were also bundles and bundles of Skratch magazine. Hundreds of copies of each issue, going back a few months. The masthead in the magazine listed Big D as one of the distributors. Well, sad to say, they obviously were not doing a good job of getting those magazines out to to the public. It did not end there, each month, a couple massive boxes from California would be dropped off on our front porch. This was funny at first. I could say "I don't even want to read one copy of this magazine, let alone one thousand!" and nobody would laugh. Later, it got annoying. The magazines froze together into solid cubes, at least I think the Boston winter was cold enough to make paper freeze.

Two nights ago I was watching the local Orange County PBS station and a guy from Skratch was being interviewed about emo, ska, hardcore, and punk. It was painful to listen to, as these genres were explained to a public who has no idea what they are. I wish I had a transcript of that show. There was nothing much for me to learn from that show except that it drove home the point that I live in the epicenter of shit for punk and hardcore worldwide. At least the word 'fashioncore' was not mentioned.

What's in Skratch? Interviews with Warped Tour bands and show reviews done by little kids who worship every band that has a record deal. No good columns, very mediocre graphic design, but hey it's free, you can pick it up where I work.

4. Punk Planet - On occasion they've got good political articles. Real journalism. If they just got rid of all the stuff with bands it would be a good read. My problem is with the name, call it "Indie Planet" or "Underground Planet", but Punk Planet does not fit because there is just no punk in there.


not a real punk planet
I remember them begging for more letters to the editor since they only got one or two or month. More people contact me about this pathetic blog!

The only other thing I really disagree with this magazine about, besides the title, is the 'punk in academia' stuff I saw in some columns a few years back. I distrust the system of higher learning. I may be the only one, but I think it's unpunk by nature to be paying to get a degree so you can make more money than those who don't have one. I'll elaborate on this topic later.

3. Circus Magazine - This magazine goes way back and I'm sure it was once great before my time. However, when I was a subscriber, it was during the glam metal explosion. Guns N' Roses were on the cover five months in a row! Then, the times changed. Alternative rock hurt those bands big time. In order to stay current, Circus declared itself 'New' and put the Lollapalooza-touring rap group Arrested Development on the cover. The feud between traditional metal heads and evolving metal heads that took place on the letters page over the next few months will never be forgotten. I saw it all go down, but a few months too late. You see, the magazines did not arrive in my mail box until over two months after I'd see them on the news stand in Harvard Square. Circus Magazine, you may have been going through hard times, but I still don't forgive you!


A Circus from way before my time. Look, they once covered things other than music, including abortion!
2. Fangoria - Do you have a friend with a stack of old issues of Fangoria or Gore Zone? They are priceless and a true product of the 80's! Well Fangoria today has come under a lot of fire. Generally the story is, I think I've written this before, that they sold out with their Jurassic Park issue. It was very profitable and they started to cover anything FX-heavy. These days there is plenty of horror out there, so Fangoria sticks to the genre a little more, however they show little discretion and everything comes off as a promo for whatever production they are looking into.

Here is Mr. Disgusting (bloody-disgusting.com) on the Fangoria video anthology Blood Drive...

"This is a perfect example of why Fangoria sucks balls- not only do they like everything, but they get friendly with everyone and hook their buds up on a crappy DVD that fans get blasted on. Burn an old issue of Fango, it'll make you feel better. "

I saw some of that DVD at a friend's house, and boy did it blow, however don't burn an old Fangoria, burn a new one.

Other common complaints about Fangoria... #1 - The articles (and pictures) are full of spoilers that ruin upcoming movies for the fans who don't want to how it's all going to end. #2 - The price is too high. #3 - Rue Morgue is better.

A Canadian horror magazine called Rue Morgue is getting more and more popular. The fact that it treats the readers like they have brains makes Fangoria look even worse. Hate for Fangoria has doubled since horror fans have found a magazine that is actually good.


a Fangoria I don't want to read about a remake I don't ever want to see
1. Project Alien Crush - I think I've been pretty mean writing this article and I've come down kind of hard on a lot of people's hard work. Some of the stuff I've trashed, I can't do any better myself, and here is the proof. In senior year of high school a made a small little zine called Project Alien Crush. The name came from a Turbo Graphix 16 game called Alien Crush and I chose it only because it sounded cool and important. Though here were aliens in the first issue, and in fact they did get crushed by an automatic door. I swear that was purely coincidental.

These little zines are so embarrassing that I'm grateful not to have them in front of me right now. I remember well what was inside. Issue #1 had an awful comic about a horror-movie slasher who rescues animals from vivisectors, then fights cops and aliens. In the last panel he hugs a cat. How cute? Yeah, I'm sure I thought so. The only other content in the issue was punk photography. A picture of Tesco Vee from the Meatmen, and two of Total Chaos members. I tell little stories about how I took the pictures and they are cute and lame. The Meatmen are a great band and think I got a picture of the inflatable dick prop in there, at least I remember considering putting that into the zine. No, I bet I wimped out. The page on Total Chaos is beyond redemption and my stories suck.

Issue 2 was mostly text and made on a computer, not cut and paste. It was mostly boring animal rights information I found on the internet. The saving grace was an interview on the back page with my brother about Hardline, a hot topic at the time.

Then came two mini-comic issues (1 folded page each) and my shitty drawings were back. One starred a punk rocker with monkey companion ("rescued from a lab", I said) and they battle a swat team. The other is even worse and is a a post-apocalyptic story about a straight edge cult with "666" written on the foreheads of their Michael Myers masks. I can't remember how it ends, but the front cover said "The Future" and had drawings of graves. I was real into saving resources at the time and printed a bunch of these on paper that I found in the recycle bin, paper that bits of text on one side. Unfortunately, the comics were still legible.

Project Alien Crush never returned, but I can still embarrass myself with my writing, and maybe I just did, with this here list of the worst publications ever. Thanks for reading.

No More!

Over at the Little Terrors blog (a great blog that was one of the things that got me motivated to do this one) a Moratorium on 'horror about horror' was proposed. Now, while I disagree with this particular moratorium (I like horror about horror) it inspired me to place moratoriums on a number of elements that are all too prevalent in today's horror movies. I do believe I have the authority to do so, so Hollywood directors and writers beware, if any of these now forbidden subjects appear in your movies, prepare to face severe consequences.

I am putting the prohibited elements in a less to prevent any confusion. Take note, every scene and idea listed here can be found in the shitfest film Hide and Seek that I unfortunately attended last night. I wish I had walked out of theater, but then this list would be shorter and I would not have been reminded of some of contemporary horror's lamest clichés.

1. No more children who know creepy things! If the horror movies of the mid and late 90's were all Scream-inspired, than the horror movies of the past few years are all Sixth Sense-inspired.

2. No more creepy children's drawings!

3. No more big twists! Twist endings and horror movies have always gone hand in hand, however, in the M. Night Shyamalan era, the twists are massive. Everything the viewer thought to true, is false. Well we are no longer in awe of these clever writers. You see, a twist is expected, the viewers don't take anything at face value anymore and... we can guess the ending! No, no, it's true, we really can. It's gotten very easy. That's why everyone hated The Village.

4. No more cat-jumping scares. This annoyance has been around a bit longer, in fact, it's one of the oldest tricks in the book, characteristic of the derivative slashers I watch so often. Yet there was a cat scare in this supposedly clever movie, Hide and Seek. I wonder, are we supposed to laugh because it's a cliché? Or is it post-ironic? Half of the dimwits in the theater had heart attacks anyway. "Wow this shit works on two levels!" No, it sucked.

5. No more music boxes!

6. No more childrens' songs or nursery rhymes. Double-foul if played by a music box.

7. No more families moving from the city to the country! Can't the city be creepy? I was reminded of Cold Creek Manor which also began with a move from NYC to a big house upstate. I did not want to be reminded of that one... ever.

8. No more bloody writing scrawled on the walls!

9. No more old fashioned dolls! They were good in the Maria Bava movies, but do kids even play with these anymore? I'd think their rooms would now be filled with soccer balls, Playstations, and Clay Aiken posters.

No need for a moratorium on this one, but at one point Hide and Seek actually used the Friday the 13th echoing whisper sound at one 'suspenseful' moment. Anyway, my list is longer than I expected. My intention is not to prevent films from being existing. Since the writers obviously can't think for themselves, I'm providing a list of acceptable substitutions so horror movies can be released on a regular basis.

1. decapitations (on screen)

2. self-mutilation (on screen)

3. castrations (on screen)

4. sodomy (on screen)

5. regurgitated guts (on screen)

6. drilling for brains (on screen)

There, now there can be no confusion as to what the fans want. No on to some other discoveries.

I found on-line the interview with The Locust by Jessica Hopper from 'Hit it or Quit it'. I talked about it in the previous post. Here is a quote form the interview: "Or a friend of ours saying that he thinks The Locust now makes it impossible for fat people to succeed in hardcore."

Also form 'Hit it or Quit it', an article in defense of watching wrestling.

The magazine Chunklet has a website. When I first picked this up I thought it was the most brilliant thing.

more to come... and let's hope that The Amityville Horror remake is free of all that generic crap listed above. The preview looked fairly decent.